A Lecture on Self Defence and Surrealism

EVER WONDERED HOW TO SELF-DEFEND IN STYLE?? No? Well its about time you did ladies!!

Here is what every girl needs in her life, how to fight off unexpected attackers in your most fashionable attire. We all know that EVERYTHING requires a pre-thought out outfit and that a stylish girl does EVERYTHING in style!

Choice of Weapons - fire scares off a multitude of potential threats - from moths, rabid animals to intruders. A fabulous lighter will do the trick! Pink and black leopard print is the best choice of lighters for this task - the animal print will fool your attackers into thinking that they are up against a fire-spitting wild beast!!

Snarling - Snarling is both sexy and powerful! Bear your shiny gnashers to let your attackers know that they are risk a excruciating bite if they come any closer!!

You have nothing to fear but fear itself. Ward off your demons with meditation. It's all in your head so why not wrap that head in a fashion-forward turban.

Fear and loathing in Chanel.

Water is your friend. Any attacker is sure to assume it is a more potent substance eg, pepper spray, hair bleach, make-up remover etc and react accordingly. IE RUN AWAY, smeared eye-makeup ew!

Plus if you're wearing a white t-shirt, you can 'accidentally' spray a little on yourself and leave a lasting impression on the predator! you minx

Pretend to be an eagle. No one wants to rape an eagle!! Painful!

Would you leave an small baby orphaned in the world, just because you wanted to kill its hot mother? I don't think so. Play with the attacker's mind a little.

Cradle the nearest cushion like a baby. You may accessorise with cooing sounds as if to sooth your child. Remind him of his mother and there's no way he'll be able to bring himself to hurt you.

Before you know it, you may even have formed a relationship with your new little friend. In anticipation of this, try to select a funky-printed cushion so that people won't think you're totally lame, and instead simply have excellent taste in interiors.

Knives: there is no question about it, knives are effective, streamlined and sexy.

They are also highly phallic.

When it all gets a bit too much, elephants are your friends. Friendly and fluffy, they really know their stuff when it comes to dressing down bad features. Think ears, think Dumbo!! If he can hide that, then you can hide those unsightly cheeks with no problem!

Kitchen utensils make great props - for both attack and defence.

They can also be clunked together as instruments for your evil warding gypsy dance.

Perplex your perpetrator into positive paralysis, by flashing him conflicting signals. He'll be completely paranoid about who he can trust (it ain't you sister!).

Play dead. The undead that is. Think girl out of the Exorcist! Arranging various bottles and flowers around you help the channelling of spirits through a seance to really scare your attacker. Opening your eyes as wide as possible is a MUST!

Dress like a pirate and hide in your own pirate ship - or your bathtub.

Rubbing garlic on your face: this is an excellent defence against vampires. It also makes you look completely nuts. If your attacker think you're nuts s/he is more likely to be frightened of you.

Bed sheet chic - If your intruder catches you mid-sleep your bed sheet will make a fashionable garment so you can look stylish throughout your battle.

Holding a red light next to your face helps make you look more like a sexy, intimidating woman. He'll be heading to the exit for a little time alone ;) in no time. They don't call it the red light district for nothing?

If all else fails, reason with your attacker. Ask him what motivates him. Why is he bothered to attack you? If you're quite fashionable them he may have seen you in the streets and wishes to steal some of your fabulous couture. If this is the case, then scissor him immediately. If he is simply a poor beggar in need of food, why not offer him a garlic or two and send him on his way.

Above all else, keep your cool.

Use your garlics as accessories - they make a great shoulder trinket!! The round contours of the garlic will make your shoulders look slender and elegant!

Flash you top-notch smouldering gazes - it's all about being faaabulous at all costs!!

And most importantly, no matter how hard it gets, keep your fashion wits about you. You want to be able to look back on this and think, wow!, that was fucking scary, but I was fucking fabulous!

Lucky Dumbo and Hack Kock

Feeling brave and Fighting Tough