A Lecture on Self Defence and Surrealism

EVER WONDERED HOW TO SELF-DEFEND IN STYLE?? No? Well its about time you did ladies!!

Here is what every girl needs in her life, how to fight off unexpected attackers in your most fashionable attire. We all know that EVERYTHING requires a pre-thought out outfit and that a stylish girl does EVERYTHING in style!

Choice of Weapons - fire scares off a multitude of potential threats - from moths, rabid animals to intruders. A fabulous lighter will do the trick! Pink and black leopard print is the best choice of lighters for this task - the animal print will fool your attackers into thinking that they are up against a fire-spitting wild beast!!

Snarling - Snarling is both sexy and powerful! Bear your shiny gnashers to let your attackers know that they are risk a excruciating bite if they come any closer!!

You have nothing to fear but fear itself. Ward off your demons with meditation. It's all in your head so why not wrap that head in a fashion-forward turban.

Fear and loathing in Chanel.

Water is your friend. Any attacker is sure to assume it is a more potent substance eg, pepper spray, hair bleach, make-up remover etc and react accordingly. IE RUN AWAY, smeared eye-makeup ew!

Plus if you're wearing a white t-shirt, you can 'accidentally' spray a little on yourself and leave a lasting impression on the predator! you minx

Pretend to be an eagle. No one wants to rape an eagle!! Painful!

Would you leave an small baby orphaned in the world, just because you wanted to kill its hot mother? I don't think so. Play with the attacker's mind a little.

Cradle the nearest cushion like a baby. You may accessorise with cooing sounds as if to sooth your child. Remind him of his mother and there's no way he'll be able to bring himself to hurt you.

Before you know it, you may even have formed a relationship with your new little friend. In anticipation of this, try to select a funky-printed cushion so that people won't think you're totally lame, and instead simply have excellent taste in interiors.

Knives: there is no question about it, knives are effective, streamlined and sexy.

They are also highly phallic.

When it all gets a bit too much, elephants are your friends. Friendly and fluffy, they really know their stuff when it comes to dressing down bad features. Think ears, think Dumbo!! If he can hide that, then you can hide those unsightly cheeks with no problem!

Kitchen utensils make great props - for both attack and defence.

They can also be clunked together as instruments for your evil warding gypsy dance.

Perplex your perpetrator into positive paralysis, by flashing him conflicting signals. He'll be completely paranoid about who he can trust (it ain't you sister!).

Play dead. The undead that is. Think girl out of the Exorcist! Arranging various bottles and flowers around you help the channelling of spirits through a seance to really scare your attacker. Opening your eyes as wide as possible is a MUST!

Dress like a pirate and hide in your own pirate ship - or your bathtub.

Rubbing garlic on your face: this is an excellent defence against vampires. It also makes you look completely nuts. If your attacker think you're nuts s/he is more likely to be frightened of you.

Bed sheet chic - If your intruder catches you mid-sleep your bed sheet will make a fashionable garment so you can look stylish throughout your battle.

Holding a red light next to your face helps make you look more like a sexy, intimidating woman. He'll be heading to the exit for a little time alone ;) in no time. They don't call it the red light district for nothing?

If all else fails, reason with your attacker. Ask him what motivates him. Why is he bothered to attack you? If you're quite fashionable them he may have seen you in the streets and wishes to steal some of your fabulous couture. If this is the case, then scissor him immediately. If he is simply a poor beggar in need of food, why not offer him a garlic or two and send him on his way.

Above all else, keep your cool.

Use your garlics as accessories - they make a great shoulder trinket!! The round contours of the garlic will make your shoulders look slender and elegant!

Flash you top-notch smouldering gazes - it's all about being faaabulous at all costs!!

And most importantly, no matter how hard it gets, keep your fashion wits about you. You want to be able to look back on this and think, wow!, that was fucking scary, but I was fucking fabulous!

Lucky Dumbo and Hack Kock

Feeling brave and Fighting Tough

Hot Houswife-Fabulous Fiona features

Being sexy is compatible with the kitchen and all of the tasks involved in maintaining it. Using kitchen utensils as fashion accessorises is both economical and cutting edge. Literally!!

Check these out.

Spoons, whisks and sieves make the perfect addition to an ordinary belt. Snazz it up and whisk up a storm in the fashion world. There's the added convenience that you'll have everything you could ever need to go about your womanly duties, at an arm's length.

There is nothing sexier than latex gloves. Hot pink latex gloves and the kitchen's heating up! Somebody turn on the extractor fan! Your hands will always be protected for any messy and wet tasks/JOBS! (oh so saaauuuucy)

Create some atmosphere with a fan. Put on a bit of show why don't you. The chores have got to be done so why not have some fun with them?

Is it getting hot in here?

These dishes are making me feel so dirty!

Flirt with danger. You are the lord and ruler of your kingdom and a girl's kitchen is her kingdom. If you feel the need to cut your lips GO AHEAD, this makes them redder and plumper.

What do you think? Will you ever have a boring day cleaning up ever again?

WE DON'T THINK SO!

Love Luge Duckbum and Hating Koala

ft. Fumbling Burrito

How to Date Men

Hey ladies! We all know that the purpose of fashion is to attract as many men as possible, for purposes such as feeding/clothing us or giving us a place to live.

Perfecting the art is crucial, so dont just save your most stylish outfits for dating actual men! DATE YOUR FRIENDS FOR PRACTISE.

(we strongly recommend doing this in the privacy of your own homes to save embarassment/being mistaken for lesbians thus preventing the approach of elidgible male species.)

1) Being weak: men love weak women. Difficulties opening wine bottles creates the perfect opportunity to allow the male species to step in and help.

Displaying your weakness of arms implies weakness of MINDS - nothing is more attractive to men than a corruptible mind.

2) Men love a woman who can microwave. The advantage of microwaves is that they can have a meal all hot and ready in no time. If a simple microwave can do that to a roasted aubergine, just think what he can do to you.

Plus a quick cooking time means less waiting time for........dessert (hmmm......!)

3) Lace reminds men of underwear. And of funerals. An awareness of death raises testosterone levels by heightening the survival instinct.

4) If you're going on a date to a nice place it's always good to wear your best LBD and your most expensive jewellery. Who knows what colour the food may end up and black and diamonds go with everything!

5) Candles: Lighting is crucial, choose subtle lighting to enhance the mood and make the food look more appetising. Candle light makes everything look appetising. Especially you.

6) Protection against Ageing: It is a well known fact that candle light, despite its aphrodisiac qualities, contains the HIGHEST levels of UVA rays! (Oh my goodness!)

Shield your peepers from these damaging rays and avoid the on-set of wrinkles by wearing sunglasses at dinner.

Mystery is key to seduction and wearing sunglasses will make you look like a detective/spy. Men tend to find this irresistible.

An alternative option is holding a newspaper with eye holes or donning a standard brown paper bag over your head. DO NOT FORGET A BREATHING HOLE.

7) Holding your wine glass with an outwardly stretched small finger is a subtle phallic gesture. But one that would not go unnoticed by your male companion!

DO THIS AT ALL TIMES. EVEN WITH YOUR KNIFE AND FORK. Conversation is to be avoided except to ask for things like money/jewellery.

Lucrative Duress (chinese) models small finger, wine bottle and corkscrew.

Hippo Killer models aubergine, sunglasses and microwave.

Keep it real!

LD, HK, xxxxx

Unreal female beauty-you won't believe your eyes! real men want real women

Voluminous ribcage= voluminous lungs. EVERYONE knows that lungs are fucking sexy! The Freudian explanation for this is that a woman with large lungs can hold her breath better during you know what! MEN love that.

Cinch in your waist girl. Hold that breath. Show them how much you want it. Scientific studies show that women with bigger appetites and greater energy reserves are more attractive (see Marilyn Monroe), and we ain't arguing with that!!

The infamous crotch bulge can be a little intimidating for the average guy. But find one who's totally secure in his sexuality and you'll start seeing all your peaks and trophs in a new fabulous light!

Shoulder fat does NOT deserve the cold shoulder!! Heat things up with a kooky cut-off piece and accentuate those bulbous growths. Sooooooo good to grab onto during some tricky situations (positions...)!

Is your bosom excessively oblong? But everyone needs a bosom for a pillow galz! don't forget it!

A waist clinchy belt NEVER fails in fishing attention to your pillowy bosoms!! It's the stuff of dreams honeys! HMMMMMM!

Asymmetrical hairstyles really complement an eviable buddha belly - getting the balance between the symmetrical spread of loveable handfuls and your funky hair-do guarantees that you will get your ZEN on baby!

Be sure to put yourself in BUBBLE butt situations like climbing stairs, or picking things up off the floor. You will look hard working and delectable at the same time!

DO THIS AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE - Karma Sutra baby!

If you obtained your sumptuous pillow belley/bosom from drinking too much wine - DRINK AWAY! Men Luuuuuuurve a Good Time GAL!!

Who said you had to have stick thin calves to model umbrellas?!? NOT US!

Dress them up in kitsch knee-highs a la BRITNAAAAY (before K-Fed and the Taco Bells...eurgh traitor - WE eat because we LOVE it NOT because we're insecure)

If you can't take a man down with your willowy waist, you're going to have to take out the big guns. Carrying around a standard ornamental laquer quaint painted kitchen spoon shows you know your way 'round the kitchen and you ain't playing no games.

Show him who's boss and distract from your curves in the wrong places by holding a miscellaneous out of place object on your person at all times!

You'll be getting THE time in NO time in miscellaneous places yourself! You she-dog!

Friction ulcers between the thighs can happen to the best of us. Don't let it phase you. Do you think Cleopatra let that shit get her down? Come on! No! Do your thing!

It is pretty much common knowledge this point that men get it on with those skinny bitches if they want an ONS, but if they're at the stage of looking for their 'the one' they're more receptive to that timeless mountainous relief. They like bulbous, maternal, caring, interesting girls. Don't be ashamed or your sexuality. Our breasts are what make us special.

Good night,

and good luck.

Horny Kornflake and Lounging Duchess